Fears...

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Fear: 

    Hmm... I could say that it's an easy thing to talk about, but it's not. . . It's tough as nails. Owning up to your fears is the worst and is the hardest thing to walk away from because it's always there, haunting and trailing you. Like you have nowhere to run, and then there are probably multiple times in your life that you find yourself in a corner. 

I have a question for you please answer in the comments below. . . 

Are you scared to let people know the real you? 

*Yes

*No

*Kinda

 

    For me it yes, because I have learned that if I am myself people don't tend to like her. So I thought. Last year I entered a new school. New faces, new teachers, a clean slate. So I did this thing where I turn up a nob of different personalities, like one day I'll be really bubbly and practically bouncing off the walls. Others I might just be calm or mellow or even sad. It all depends on which one I turn the nob all the way around. 

    I've had people say that my personality is a little too much, not that it's a bad thing, it's only a PREFERED taste. I know that I am extremely extroverted, barely even introverted. I love people, I love being around people. I am very social. And people I know can be very introverted and overwhelmed with the way I communicate or push them to be more out there. 

    My FEARS are that I'll be alone, with no-one. I'm even scared to be left in my room for too long. Sure, I might a lot boisterous, and loud. Maybe I do need an introverted friend to show me to turn the volume down. But, sometimes an introverted friend also needs to turn the volume up. 

Here's a list of my fears: 

• Being Alone
• Not good enough
• Under the Bed

I explained the being alone part but, let me go into more details with the others.

    Not Good Enough: 

Do you have parents that always are on your back about your grades? 

    Well, I don't, 'lucky', sure, but the pressure is always on, I don't want to disappoint my parents at all, but the way I barely scrape the bottom makes it hard for them to believe I can do better. It hurts, especially when I have a sister that's getting B's and A's in all her classes. 

I've had the complete opposite. When I say I'm a hands-on learner I MEAN IT. I have struggled with all the subjects. 

English: F+

History: C-

Math: D+

Grammar: D-

PE: A+

Art: C-

Music: A+

These aren't the best I know, ha, but my parents just want me to pass, and they go through extremities helping me barely float over the line. 

    But this Sophmore year is gonna be better, I have focused a worked my butt off to get A's and B's, and hopefully get better and feel better. 

    Why am I afraid of letting people down... 

    Well, that because I feel that I'm not good enough, that I should push myself to work harder. But dang is it hard. Before, this year I've just given up because I was lazy and I thought it was too hard. 

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a poor sport, and I'm working on it to get better... and that's why I'm afraid because I might come out of the other side in a better person.

Under the Bed: 

    Funny right? I'm sixteen and I'm terrified of the dark and things under my bed. 

    Well, I have a reason why and it still haunts me. 

    I have been to six foster homes throughout my life. One of them I was with my birth father's, father.

    He was nice and such, but I clearly remember a time I came out of my room and when down the hall into the living area, my grandpa was on the couch watching the News, I walked up to him and said that I had a bad dream. He told me that I was supposed to be in bed. I nodded and asked to be tucked back in and for him to check under the bed. He grabs my stepgrandmother and checks under the bed. He gets down and lays on the floor and slides his legs under the bed. And started screaming and grabbed at the carpet like he was getting pulled in. My stepgrandmother played along and ran to grab some bug spray, and sprayed under the bed, and screamed at me to pull him out. I did and I was sent into bed shaking. 

  That experience still haunts my thoughts when the lights turn off. I mean I was three, why would you scared the heck out of a kid that small!!! I know there's no such thing as monsters or anything in the dark. But when the lights turn off and everything quiet, I can feel my breath hitch and my heart skip. 

    And it's all his fault. 

Going offline, 

Sici